Exposing a cult has been interesting in that I’ve learned a lot about the kind of people who exploit others for their own gain. I don’t think my opponents were ever capable of seeing that my intentions are sincere. Since they can’t see me or the nature of my intentions, they have miscalculated me at every step. Such is the blindness of narcissists. They see the world not how it is - but how they are.
Here are some thoughts on why narcissists are so manipulative and abusive.
By Tom Ewall
All narcissists abuse everyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re covert, or if you’re their partner.
A lot of abuse doesn’t feel bad, but it’s sill abuse. For example, a common abuse pattern is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where the abuser is usually Dr. Jeckyll. Dr. Jeckyll is nice. People like it when others are nice, so it doesn’t feel like abuse, but is. Dr. Jeckyll is just as much a part of the abuse as Mr. Hyde is.
The abuser wants control. When you never know when Mr. Hyde is going to rear his ugly head, that’s abuse, no matter how nice Dr. Jeckyll is.
This is just one pattern. Narcissists have dozens (or more) of these, tailored for every imaginable situation.
Instead of using the word “abuse” we could use the word “manipulate” and ask the question,”Why do narcissists manipulate their partners?” because manipulation is abuse. Narcissists manipulate because they never learned any other way of dealing with people.
It’s not like a narcissist approaches a situation and thinks,”Hmm I have two options here. Option A is manipulative, whereas Option B is straightforward and above board. I guess I’ll choose Option A.”
They never learned Option B. Option B doesn’t even exist in their world. Not in terms of how they think of what they’ll do to you, nor even what you’ll do to them. No matter how straightforward and above board you are to a narcissist, they will interpret your actions as manipulative, because that’s all they know.
This goes beyond projection. Projection is where the narcissist sees (unconsciously) some aspect of their character they don’t like, so they project it onto you so they don’t have to bear it. This exists, and is an important, but the point here is they perceive you to be manipulative because that’s simply how they perceive the world.
They perceive you to be manipulative, but not themselves. For themselves, they’re simply trying to get what they want, because they believe they’re entitled to whatever they want, because they’re special. If they don’t get what they want, then they’re being treated unfairly, and they’ll double down to get it, because that’s fair. They want care, or even perceive, any negative impact on you, because they’re driven by getting what they want, because, after all, that’s only fair, and all they want is what’s fair for them, and why are you getting in their way? What’s wrong with you?!?!
Asking why narcissists abuse their partners is like asking why narcissists breathe. They abuse because that’s the nature of narcissism.
A neurotypical would think something like” I love my partner, so why should I do anything abusive to them?” From there they reason,”If I, who love my partner, would therefore not want to abuse them, why would X (somebody else) abuse their partner? It’s normal thinking to assume that others think similarly to how we think. This forms the basis of our predicting the behavior of others, as well as understanding their behavior.
This assumption is completely flawed when it comes to narcissists because it’s not even remotely close to how they think.
They think,”I want what I want when I want it,” and if you are 100% in league with that, they will “love” you, but even then they would abuse you (in a nice way) because passive aggressive manipulative behavior is all they know (although in the idealization phase, you might not have perceived it as such).
