What was the key to heal completely and successfully from a Narcissist abusive relationship?

By Jane Jewson

The keys for me were these.

By recognising that he has a narcissist personality disorder.

That nothing will ever change him.

Knowing that despite how it may appear, he is not happy, he is deeply unhappy.

Understanding why he is like he is. As a child he suffered trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment by his parents. His feelings and emotions relating to those experiences are so painful that he cannot face them so they have never been dealt with. To protect himself from further harm, he has hidden it all behind an alternative personality, one that doesn’t need to feel anything (at least for anyone else).

By understanding the nature of his persona. He presents an often charming, kind, intelligent and charismatic personality juxtaposed equally often and usually in private, by an extremely cold, calculating, unfeeling, evil like personality. It’s all fake, he knows that, but he can’t be anything else, certainly not who he truly is; that was not good enough, not worthy of love, unacceptable and he’s super angry about that. So he demands that he is loved and accepted for who he is not. Ok, yes it’s a lie, but what other choice does he have? He has had to convince himself it’s authentic and works hard to convince others that it’s true too. He must prevent anyone from finding out he’s a complete fraud, so works extremely hard to strengthen and maintain his image (no matter what the cost). Those that are not convinced are treated as arch enemies, evil people.

Accepting that everything he does and says is to protect himself from exposure and is entirely about and for him and nothing about or for me or anyone else.

Knowing his world is a dark, frightening and lonely place apart from love and inhabited by demons. I was sometimes dragged into it and felt as much if not more pain and as helpless, lonely and frightened as he did.

Being grateful that I recognise the light of love and never lost sight of it. Each time I fell into the dark hole with him, I took the light down with me and found my way out. It was his choice not to follow.

Facing my deepest fears, learning to love myself again allowing myself to feel and express my anger for the abuse I suffered, finding my voice and the courage to speak the truth.